jack of all trades, Master of Home

My family is on my mind this morning...and the many challenges we've had, and continue to face, as time marches on.  It's not an unusual state of mind for me to be contemplating life's mysteries and searching for wisdom to shine a light upon the answers.  But this morning, the questions are of a more personal nature.  


I've often struggled to verbalize or accurately define my purpose in this world.  Although I never gave it intense thought, married life and children played easily into my imaginings.  But long before marriage was a serious thought, my desire to be a 'helper' and 'encourager' was an integral element of my personality.  

I suspect that, first and foremost, "God made me this way", but personal life experiences in my young life helped to foster a heart that wanted to love and heal the "brokenhearted".  Sensitive by nature, the pain I experienced from the insensitivity of my young peers (whether it be leaving me out, mean remarks or making fun, as children often do) left me determined NOT to inflict such pain on others.  This sensitivity was beautifully modeled by my sweet little Italian mother and was often accompanied by the fiery passion Italians are so well known for.  The injustice of such unkindness towards others wasn't tolerated to any degree in our home.  
  

Inherent in this job description are two factors of which I have no doubt: assuring others of God's love for them and the reality that He has a purpose for their uniquely INTENTIONAL life, and helping to find the 'answers' to relieve some of the challenges and turmoil that often leave us confused and searching. The 'Gator Gazette" even dubbed me the "Dear Abby" of Gautier Jr. High years after I was convinced of my calling. : )  The empathy I felt for others was a driving factor in my desire to help them heal; pain relief was the end goal.

And so, it's no great surprise that motherhood would also call out to my convictions to be a 'problem solver'.  It's often said that mothers take on many roles within the family home: housekeeper, cook, chauffeur, decorator, tutor, nurse, teacher, therapist... (To turn a phrase) a "jack of all trades, Master of Home".

Just as we are "fearfully and wonderfully made", each home and the individuals within combine to make a unique family unit incomparable and unreplicable in its combination of individual members.  Therein lies the POTENTIAL beauty of family. 

Within each tribe there are roles to be filled.  There is a recognized leader or head, THE man (or woman as the case may be), often accompanied by an adviser or second in command. These leading roles are complemented by the tribal council, who in cooperation make decisions to benefit the whole tribe.  And then again, there are a subset of roles to be played by these same tribe members, dependent upon their unique talents and abilities; hunter/gatherer, keeper of the hearth, teachers, storekeeper, witch doctor, etc., etc.

 The dynamic of each family is also unique and variable, depending on the combination of individuals at a given time: father, mother; father, mother, daughter; father, daughter, daughter; mother, daughter, daughter... 

The unique elements of our family are running through my mind quite frequently these days.  The choices made by each of us as individual members has produced a mixed bag of blessing and turmoil. It is this turmoil, which has been ongoing for several years now, which has brought me to this contemplation and nagging need to find knowledge and understanding tempered by wisdom. 
 

And so it is that I've reflected on my role, in our small band of members, to better define where my responsibilities begin and end. Likewise, I'm taking a closer look at Mike's role and how we work together as a team. 
 

Keeping in mind that life is not stagnant, so too do our roles vary with the passing of time and necessity.  NOW is the present challenge for which I seek answers. As I've struggled to understand what God would have me to do, my ruminations have illuminated and brought my role for our family into sharper focus.

Mike's God given talents and his hard work have brought him to the near pinnacle of his career. Dedication, hard work and determination, along with his love of challenge, have made him a highly valued employee in his workplace as witnessed by his steadily growing ascent in the same company for almost thirty-two years now.  He has set a stellar example in many ways, his work ethic being a very visible one.  Mike, as many men, has a leadership role in two important areas of his life: home and work.

As 'second in command' of the large team of employees, his responsibilities loom large as he entrusts the running of a nuclear power plant to the capabilities and strengths of those charged with the operation and safety of the production of electricity.  As a POTENTIALLY dangerous enterprise, wise decision making is tantamount to a productive and safe outcome.  The 'buck stops' with the on-sight VP (Vice President), but as the GM (General Manager) my gifted hubby oversees day to day operations.
 

Unlike many women in today's world, my domain remains my home.  Officially, second-in-command, I, too, function as the GM of our home.  The roles which I have performed over the past thirty-three years of our marriage have each had their own unique challenges.  Some of these challenges I've met with stellar performance, and some...not so much.
  
I vehemently proclaimed, as a teenager, that I would NEVER be a woman who "stayed at home". The relationship between my mother and father, which I perceived to be a dominant over a submissive, left no doubt in my mind that "no man will ever tell me what to do".  But...the trajectory of my life landed me in a lifestyle which didn't necessitate an additional income to live modestly, yet comfortably.
  
Given that reality, I also wasn't willing to put my children into the care of others.  Coming from a working-class family who had the blessing of a 'stay-at-home-mom' (which also meant a lower middle-class lifestyle with few extras) I couldn't justify leaving my children.  IF my vision of purpose had included a useful talent outside of our home my perspective may have been different, but the highest calling I could imagine at that time was as a full-time mother to my daughters.  And that despite the fact that I had very little inclination or talent for being a ‘homemaker’.  “Just the basics, mam.”

Seldom are parents well-equipped for the challenges they will ultimately encounter along the journey which begins at the moment of conception.  Even though unaware, a woman is experiencing changes in her body which will be revealed in due time.  Then the life changes become more and more visible until the day when that precious bundle of joy makes his/her grand entrance into the world... and the lives of the blissfully ignorant parents.  Thus begins a journey of many emotions: anticipation, excitement, happiness, awe, pride, laughter, tears, confusion, pride, frustration, anxiety, hope, pride, triumph, despair, pride, heartache…the feelings go on and on, repeating themselves over a lifetime.

As the make-up of the family changes, so, too, do the dynamics; first of the personal relationship between the husband and wife.  Then new dynamics develop between the different combinations of the unique humans involved.  Yes, even as an infant dynamics can be discerned by outside observers.
 

Fast forward…and NOW here I am, still challenged with both homemaking and motherhood, but with a clearer understanding of the really important things in life.  It’s often been said that God doesn't reveal the future so as to help prevent our running away from what, in our human nature, we might perceive as too difficult or scary.  It’s amazing what we realize, in hindsight, we have accomplished with God’s strength and wisdom.

Another reality which comes with the experience of having lived the years of our life is how our ‘concept’ and the ‘roles’ within family life can be so unlike what we might have initially expected or imagined. Thankfully, I wasn't one to day-dream about or visualize life as a wife and mother, or about the home I would one day live in.  God had that covered, no need for me to waste precious energy on figuring it out.  I have no doubt that I had adopted attitudes and understandings of which I wasn't fully cognizant by virtue of my own personal family experience.  But I don't recall specifically defined ideas of what family life would be outside of the given requirements:  a good man I loved, who really loved me, wanted children and believed in God.  Simple.

I got that…and more than I would have ever imagined for my life.  The ‘opposites attract’ law was noticeable before our marriage and was glaring after our marriage.  But in God’s beautiful plan, this combination can produce a truly godly and exemplary relationship for those willing to stay committed through the peaks and (sometimes, really low) valleys.
  

A willingness to see your own imperfections and to be unselfish enough to make changes, for the ultimate good of the relationship, are inescapable for those determined to live out their vows.  At times it is only commitment (which in reality is love, but often doesn't FEEL like it) that keeps a couple together. But that dogged determination is often rewarded with unexpected and beautiful gifts beyond visibility or expression.  Only those involved really understand what has transpired and the blessing that has been brought.

A couple willing to stay true to their covenant before God will rarely be bored; good times and challenges abound making little time for life to be dull.  But only those with God as their strength will meet their human inclinations with the love (even in the company of human emotion) that it takes to remain with their partner through the ups and downs which no human will ever escape.

Children are a gift from God…who also add the potential challenge (through no fault of their own) of displacing their father or mother in their rightful place in relationship.  Entrusting us with their lives, God charges us to help teach, disciple and mold our children into the beautiful spirits for which He has given them the potential and purpose.  This, with the ultimate purpose of preparing and launching them from 'the nest' to live their adult lives with purpose and joy. Children may also be a respite, of sorts, from the daily demands of adult life and a fresh slate not yet scarred by life's daily squabbles, battles, and sometimes all out wars.  They are potentially more 'fun' than the mate who was once the sole object of our affection but now, battle worn, has diminished in attraction and excitement. Life has a way of doing that to veterans.  Be reminded... a husband or wife is to be honored, even above our beautiful children who bring their own special joy into our lives.


The road to nurturing and growing these potentially inspirational human beings is often fraught with challenges for which parents feel ill-equipped.  The answers are not always readily apparent or available and often bring about an unexpected sense of helplessness and insecurity.   Setting proper and healthy boundaries presents one of the greatest areas of turmoil.

Personalities of all those involved, along with ignorance, confusion, self-doubt and divergent ideas of ‘the best’ solution, help to heighten our human emotions.  It is here that we face the GREATEST NEED and PERSONAL CHALLENGE to put aside our human pride and seek the wisest answers, with little regard as to the purveyor of that wisdom.  If it is God’s wisdom (which I pray I always seek), the instrument through which it comes is of lesser significance than the source itself.
  

It is false human pride to claim to be the root of wisdom which comes only from the Creator Himself. It is the unadulterated search and desire to find the truth which should rightfully drive our intentions.  As my parents often told us, “we may not like it, but we can deal with the truth better than a lie.”  When we choose to delay or be blind to Truth, we imprison our soul wasting precious time in setting ourselves free.  As Franklin Delano Roosevelt (FDR), our 32 U.S. President from 1933 – 1945, stated in his first Inaugural Address, “There is nothing to fear but fear itself.”  Lies and fear hinder our growth to living the best life God intends.  

It is with this in mind that I consider the pursuit of ‘truth, knowledge, understanding and wisdom' the most necessary of elements to better love as God would have me to love; to be the most important pursuit and purpose of my life.

So, while I have continued to struggle with homemaking talent and organizational skills, the core of who I feel God intended for me to be has remained passionately intact.  Especially in regards to the sharing of advice and wisdom (as I trust God has given) with my dearly beloved.  Ask my family and their reviews of my commitment to this particular role will draw wry smiles and rolling of the eyes (from certain members of the family).  

Admittedly, while the less than desirable aspects of my genetics do include stubbornness, I consider them tempered by the passionate desire for truth and wisdom.  My heart and my head tell me that this passion comes from God.  He’s the ultimate BIG KAHUNA where the buck REALLY stops.  So, confidently I say, just call me “jack of all trades, Master of Home” ...where it really matters.     

                     
      

Additional Pieces

It was apparent that Lauren had made significant progress during the months she lived away from our home.  But old habits die hard and it wasn't long before 'the boyfriend' returned as one of those old habits.  Now back to her old stomping grounds, we found that she was still presenting challenges to our most heart-felt and wise advice.  It was increasingly clear that her time at the Academy had ended too quickly.

Time was drawing near for the expected due date of our 'unordered' grandchild.  Due on the 20th of April, I prepared for my travel to Chicago to be there when our little one was ready to make his entrance.
Happy to celebrate our twenty-sixth Wedding Anniversary prior to my departure, I was in for an unexpected surprise.

She began to cry as the words left her mouth: "I'm pregnant".  Lauren stood in front of me with a pained look on her face as she found the courage to give me the news.  'Incredulous' doesn't accurately convey my emotion; it was more akin to the 'dropping of the other shoe'.  With the years of emotional challenge and low self-esteem our youngest child had endured, an unplanned pregnancy was a distressing possibility we could not logically discount.  She had previously had a scare which proved to be a false alarm.  Hopeful that such a close call would ensure an extra measure of caution and responsibility, I now had to accept the reality that this child had chosen to ignore the warning.

The unconditional love exemplified by my sweet little Italian Mama always bolstered and informed my own actions in my role as a mother.  Patiently loving, yet always holding us to accountability for our choices, my Mama taught me how to, by example, assure my children of my love while still conveying heart-felt disappointment.  Her disappointment spoke as much to the consequences we would endure as to the turmoil such unwise choices would incur for the whole family.

And so it was, on our twenty-sixth Wedding Anniversary, that I alone (for the moment) was made aware that we once again were faced with the heart-breaking news that yet another daughter would fit the description of 'unwed mother'.  Looking to the heavens I just had to ask, "Do you think we're gonna be really good at this grandparenting thing, or what!"  How did we end up in this situation?!

We tried our best as parents to be open, loving, and appropriately honest with our daughters as they grew.  They were always assured that there was no question they could not ask, nor any problem they could not come to us with.  There was no subject that was 'out of bounds' regardless of how touchy it might seem.  Simultaneously, we tried our very best to exemplify the Christian values we wished to instill.  Our attempts as parents were concerted to monitor their choice of friends while careful to be as non-judgmental about the young people whose differing values we had to counteract and persuade our daughters against.  But it is only personal experience which can bring home the true reality of the struggles parents encounter against the power of society and the peer group.  Heap a heavy dose of chemical imbalance with the low self-esteem which it is so capable of producing and Lauren's circumstance was not so much of a mystery.

Another piece of the puzzle turned right side up.  

Pieces of My Puzzle

Having the misfortune of being 'her mother's daughter', it became increasingly clear from a young age that my youngest was dealing with the genetics of mental health challenges.  Thankfully on the lower end of the extreme possibilities, I first began to suspect the genetics link at the tender age of three and a half years.  In brief, the suspicion was followed by many years of emotional crescendo, culminating in the heart-rending decision to enroll her in a low-risk facility for troubled girls far from our home state.  The six month stay brought new insights and understandings to her life and afforded her the first half of her Senior year high school requirements.  After returning home and making the brave foray back to high school, she made the grade and walked with her graduating class in 2005.

The unfortunate complexity of 'chemical imbalance' takes extensive and brave self-examination and study which, you soon come to find is, in reality, a life-long journey.  Still battling some of the smaller demons which accompany her particular diagnosis, she presented ongoing challenges with poor decision making.  The return to her home environment and the boyfriend we attempted to 'draw the curtain on' proved to bring about the pinnacle of our challenges with her, but not before her older sister beat her to the punch.

The oldest of our daughters, three years her sister's senior, encountered none of the visible insecurities which plagued her younger sibling.  Her long blond hair (and cute pink-rimmed glasses) never failed to draw the attention of anyone who saw her.  Outer beauty is a sure attractant, especially in children.  To look at her was to see that she, unlike her sister, had inherited the lion's share of her father's genetics.  Neither did she display any signs of easy emotional upset, another one of her father's stronger traits.  And so it was that this child of ours made her journey through the tumultuous teenage years presenting the more typical challenges parents anticipate as possibilities.  She contributed her own brand of emotional turmoil and upset.

Yet, we weren't prepared in the least to be at a cross roads with both of our daughters within six months of each other, especially with our oldest leading the way.  In the summer of 2004 we found ourselves transporting both of our daughters to new and unfamiliar surroundings.

Our oldest attempted a go at our local University for a couple of semesters, despite her preference to be in Fashion School in California or New York City.  The stork left her with the wrong family for the provision of that elite education.

But after she finished up two, less than stellar, semesters (partially due to health challenges in her second) we made the measured decision to fulfill her dreams in a way more affordable to our means than what she would have otherwise chosen.  We considered the 'bright lights' of "The Windy City", "Chi Town" to be close and bright enough while sufficiently tantalizing.  Should she find success and satisfaction in the experience, we surmised that she would work her buns off, in school and out, to be able to continue on this path.

In June 2004, after conversation and careful research to tailor this experience within the best of our means, all the arrangements had been made and we delivered her to her new home in the heart of Chicago to begin the adventure.  Regular calls back and forth informed us of this new world of experiences upon which our daughter was embarking.  Her transition from small town Arkansas girl to student in the 'little New York' of the Midwest (a moniker I was introduced to by some of the Chicago locals) seemed to be coming off without a hitch.  And yet, for all the bravado she seemed to display throughout her young life, it was after a very successful first year that the realities of living in 'the big city' began to show our daughter a side which she could only understand through experience.

Contrary to life in a small southern town, Anna began to understand some of the impersonal life-style which often accompanies a faster paced, "city" existence.  She found an unexpected test in acclimating to a life bustling with activity at any moment of a twenty-four hour day, living alone without real friendships molded over many years, and no ability to hop in her car (which we decided would be too costly and cumbersome in a busy city environment) to just get away.  She found a loneliness to which she had given no thought in her embellished vision.

We heard about the occasional social opportunities she found in her new life: a date here, dinner with a 'friend', there.  Late 2005 brought a new friendship, which turned into a dating relationship, with a fellow student at the Fashion School.  Pursuing Graphic Art after his stint in the military, he and our daughter were soon spending all their free hours together.

Not long after they had begun dating, my husband and I made a side trip to Chicago after spending Friday and Saturday in Missouri.  We met them at the Catholic Holy Name Cathedral for Sunday noon mass after traveling from St. Louis that morning.  This was a prime opportunity to check "him" over and make our personal assessments, which we would later discuss on our trip home to Arkansas.

Not overly impressed by the time we were able to spend with him but trusting that years of spiritual training, coupled with the wise guidance we tried to provide, we knew that the only control we had were our prayers and open communication with our daughter.

The positive school performance our daughter was able to report (one of her fashion scrapbook projects was even displayed in a window exhibit at the school) brought a sense of satisfaction that she had found a path to pursue which we fully suspected would bring happiness and success.

In July 2004, a bit more than a month after our trip to relocate our oldest to Chicago, we were on our way by plane to introduce our youngest to a new, albeit temporary, life at a small, "girls only" facility in a small Utah town.  Her extreme and destructive behavior, which culminated in the middle of her 11th grade year, found us desperate to find the elusive help that we felt she needed.  With high hopes that this small haven could help to turn around her emotional turmoil and low self-esteem, we made the long plane trip from Arkansas to Nevada with Lauren in tow.  Located just a couple of hours outside of Las Vegas, our road trip to Utah was jovial and yet filled with nervous anticipation.

With the passage of many years now, and a clearer understanding of the insecurity and fear she must have been feeling, I think back with pride on the bravery Lauren displayed.  As we made the turn on the long road to that small town, her fears were expressed with tears, controlled emotions and words of her fear.  But also with the acknowledgement of the necessity and her desire to get help.  As my sweet little Italian mama taught us over and over, "Never judge a man until you have walked a mile in his shoes."  There is no way to fully understand another's difficult journey.

Long story short, (within this loooong story!) Graduation Day from this "Girls Academy" came for Lauren in December of 2004 after which time she would return home to complete her senior year of high school.  Knowing that her legal status would soon change in less than a month, we secretly wished that she could be convinced to continue on this journey of her own accord.  The new director of the facility had assumed the controls shortly after Lauren was accepted and was still in a "building" phase.  He spoke to us about his vision for a program which would be offered to those reaching the age of eighteen but who wanted to continue the path to learning and self-growth.

Being an optimist by nature and remembering my father's wise words (just a few of many), "It never hurts to ask.  All they can say is 'No'.", I nonchalantly presented the option during one of our phone conversations before making the trip to Utah for her December graduation.  She quickly and kindly made it clear that she was ready to be home.  And so it was.

Bringing new life into our world and, to the best of our abilities, nurturing, teaching and molding these little personalities grows in it's complexity as the years pass and they come to "have a mind of their own".  The never ending education we acquire, even as we grow into adulthood and beyond, should sober all people if we are honest and surrender to the reality of our limits.  Our knowledge and understanding continues to evolve as we live in this world and so, we can never lay claim to "knowing it all."

Societies moors and conventions also change, leaving each generation, in their more mature years, often puzzled and confused by those understandings and values embraced by the generations which have come after them.  But you must live it to fully experience and then acknowledge this reality.

With total honesty I can confidently say that Mike and I were not so "Pollyana-ish" to believe that our daughters, regardless of our sincere and loving efforts to impart our Christian values by word and deed, would escape the temptations and painful consequences of unwise decisions.  Pain, often brought on by self-centeredness, laziness and self-inflicted ignorance is a major by-product of the human condition.

But human beings are also capable of great hope, especially when there is sustained effort toward the vision or wished for goal.  Therein was the basis for our surprise.

So, considering the fact that our daughters are human and fully prone to a fallen nature, my emotions, when given the news in October of 2005 of Anna's (totally unexpected and) progressing pregnancy, fell far from the realm of shock.   Of course this was an ever-present possibility, but one that I didn't expect from this intelligent, seemingly confident, self-possessed, 'on the road to her dream' daughter.

The minute details are unimportant, other than to say that there is often a silver-lining around those dark clouds.  As my daughter cried and profusely apologized for the disappointment she knew this would cause for her father and me, it became clear that our respect for life was one value she had fully embraced.  She allowed a small laugh as she told me, "I heard it's heartbeat, Mom."

Our oldest child who, in her 5th grade year, fashioned a 'campaign poster' which carried candidate Clinton's name with a large 'null' sign across it, was living out her convictions formed and expressed those many years now past.  As she showed me her poster she also offered an explanation for it's design:  "I'm not voting for Clinton, Mama.  He's Pro-Abortion!"  What I could only imagine to be an easily accessible procedure in the big city of Chicago was a tool my daughter consciously chose against.  She was now faced with and living her convictions which she first proclaimed as a 10 year old girl.  How could a mother not be proud!

With an unplanned grandchild on the way and the many decisions facing our daughter, with us as her parents and willing companions, we began to take one day at a time.  I flew to Chicago a couple of weeks after that fateful phone call to assure her of our love and support.  Communication was open all along the way, with red flags popping up to draw my attention. The 'baby daddy' was uncomfortably and increasingly fitting into the text book description of an adult abused as a child.  I engaged Anna in measured conversation to encourage critical thinking on her part.  I passionately begged her to beware for signs of possible impending danger from her boyfriend.

Through my studies of human behavior, both in school and out, I was fairly familiar with and aware of the sad legacy which abused children often carry with them into adulthood.  The alarm bells sounded long before the pregnancy became an issue.  Sensitive to her autonomy as an "adult", albeit one supported by her parents, I tried to inform and educate our daughter toward the unfortunate possibilities of a long-term relationship with a man who had such a difficult and undeserved childhood.

Three months after the birth of our beautiful grandson those concerns proved to be accurate, leading to another complex, emotional, frightening, frustrating, and infuriating period in all our lives.  Better left to a story unto itself, this period of time made up many pieces of the puzzle which had become my life.

Right Side Up

It was an answer which I expected to be forever elusive.  Curious by nature, I just considered it another one of those 'wonderings' that would most likely remain a question mark in my mind.  And then I saw the answer!

"Driven" doesn't quite capture it, but when a curiosity assails me the search is on.  Depending on it's nature, my 'need to know' falls along a spectrum.  This particular curiosity was one that I found returning over and over again at comfortable intervals.  And then, after pulling an 'all-nighter' (as some of us with ADD/HD often do) and waking in late afternoon, it appeared so clearly.  There was my answer awaiting me almost immediately after waking.

As is my routine, an hour after my alarm has sounded and my meds consumed, my sleepy brain begins to warm up.  Lying in bed I contemplate my many choices of what to tackle first.  Always a challenge,  the endless variety of tasks, march through my mind.

My conscious journey with "tackling the clutter" began most tangibly in March of 2011.  Always somewhat disorganized, the previous years from 2002 up to that time had seemingly bombarded me with more than my fair share of life challenges.

(to be continued...)

Season of Surrender

It's too painful to take an overview, to look at the full reality of the condition of my life as a whole.  The beauty and grace that refuse to abandon me are my life preservers in this tempest (accompanied by the stubbornness I come by honestly : ) ) ; these pockets of radiant beauty amidst the rubble.
I have deteriorated in almost every aspect of a healthy and productive life.  Difficult to admit and even harder to examine honestly, because the "seeing" saddens me so.  To mindfully contemplate how I would feel "if the shoe was on the other foot", to consider what the view is like for my husband, is too painfully difficult to imagine.  Our quality of life is greatly compromised, stealing precious time and joy from our relationship as well as those with our daughters, grandchildren, other family and friends.  It's a tremendous price to pay for not wrangling my personal demons before things got so out of hand.  It's amazing what an excessively cluttered and unkempt home can wrought.
But guilt and brooding over the past will only serve to rob even more time and distract from my determined destination.  And so it is that, today, as we begin the season of Lent, I find myself willing and so thankful for this 'season of surrender'.  "Let go and let God" has never sounded better.  I've come to the end of myself and find the burden too heavy to carry alone: the daily decision of "where to start", followed by the division of time amongst the other dilapidated areas that are my constant companions.  The motivation to rise to a new day has been greatly affected by this heavy burden.  But, the alternative is even more unattractive.

DON'T QUIT 

When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,

When the road you're trudging seems all uphill,

When the funds are low and the debts are high,

And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,

When care is pressing you down a bit,

Rest, if you must, but don't you quit.

Life is queer with it's twists and turns,

As everyone of us sometimes learns,

And many a failure turns about,

When he might have won had he stuck it out;

Don't give up though the pace seems slow--

You may succeed with another blow.

Often the goal is nearer than,

It seems to a faint and faltering man,

Often the struggler has given up,

When he might have captured the victor's cup,

And he learned too late when the night slipped down,

How close he was to the golden crown.

Success is failure turned inside out--

The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,

And you never can tell how close you are,

It may be near when it seems so far,

So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit--

It's when things seem worst that you must not quit.

- Author unknown

(http://www.thedontquitpoem.com/thePoem.htm)

With inspiration such as the above and from an array of other sources, I'll fight my way to the peace of heart and mind I long for.  Not an easy journey, but one that can only be traveled one moment, one hour, one day at a time.  As I've heard it (wisely) said, we all have the same twenty-four hours in a day; how to spend it is a personal choice.  Which leads me to one of my most beloved and inspirational quotes, :  "The difficulty in life is the choice." by George A. Moore.  It also serves as an encouraging reminder that I'm not alone in this challenge.  

As undeserving as I feel, I can't help but thank God for the character of the man I married almost thirty-three years ago and pray for his continued strength as I struggle to regain a level of normalcy in our home and in my role as wife, lover and friend.

The "surrender" begins...