I have deteriorated in almost every aspect of a healthy and productive life. Difficult to admit and even harder to examine honestly, because the "seeing" saddens me so. To mindfully contemplate how I would feel "if the shoe was on the other foot", to consider what the view is like for my husband, is too painfully difficult to imagine. Our quality of life is greatly compromised, stealing precious time and joy from our relationship as well as those with our daughters, grandchildren, other family and friends. It's a tremendous price to pay for not wrangling my personal demons before things got so out of hand. It's amazing what an excessively cluttered and unkempt home can wrought.
But guilt and brooding over the past will only serve to rob even more time and distract from my determined destination. And so it is that, today, as we begin the season of Lent, I find myself willing and so thankful for this 'season of surrender'. "Let go and let God" has never sounded better. I've come to the end of myself and find the burden too heavy to carry alone: the daily decision of "where to start", followed by the division of time amongst the other dilapidated areas that are my constant companions. The motivation to rise to a new day has been greatly affected by this heavy burden. But, the alternative is even more unattractive.
DON'T QUIT
When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,
When the road you're trudging seems all uphill,
When the funds are low and the debts are high,
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit,
Rest, if you must, but don't you quit.
Life is queer with it's twists and turns,
As everyone of us sometimes learns,
And many a failure turns about,
When he might have won had he stuck it out;
Don't give up though the pace seems slow--
You may succeed with another blow.
Often the goal is nearer than,
It seems to a faint and faltering man,
Often the struggler has given up,
When he might have captured the victor's cup,
And he learned too late when the night slipped down,
How close he was to the golden crown.
Success is failure turned inside out--
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,
And you never can tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems so far,
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit--
It's when things seem worst that you must not quit.
- Author unknown
(http://www.thedontquitpoem.com/thePoem.htm)
With inspiration such as the above and from an array of other sources, I'll fight my way to the peace of heart and mind I long for. Not an easy journey, but one that can only be traveled one moment, one hour, one day at a time. As I've heard it (wisely) said, we all have the same twenty-four hours in a day; how to spend it is a personal choice. Which leads me to one of my most beloved and inspirational quotes, : "The difficulty in life is the choice." by George A. Moore. It also serves as an encouraging reminder that I'm not alone in this challenge.
As undeserving as I feel, I can't help but thank God for the character of the man I married almost thirty-three years ago and pray for his continued strength as I struggle to regain a level of normalcy in our home and in my role as wife, lover and friend.
The "surrender" begins...
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