I've often struggled to verbalize or accurately define my purpose in this world. Although I never gave it intense thought, married life and children played easily into my imaginings. But long before marriage was a serious thought, my desire to be a 'helper' and 'encourager' was an integral element of my personality.
I suspect that, first and foremost, "God made me this way", but personal life experiences in my young life helped to foster a heart that wanted to love and heal the "brokenhearted". Sensitive by nature, the pain I experienced from the insensitivity of my young peers (whether it be leaving me out, mean remarks or making fun, as children often do) left me determined NOT to inflict such pain on others. This sensitivity was beautifully modeled by my sweet little Italian mother and was often accompanied by the fiery passion Italians are so well known for. The injustice of such unkindness towards others wasn't tolerated to any degree in our home.
Inherent in this job description are two factors of which I have no doubt: assuring others of God's love for them and the reality that He has a purpose for their uniquely INTENTIONAL life, and helping to find the 'answers' to relieve some of the challenges and turmoil that often leave us confused and searching. The 'Gator Gazette" even dubbed me the "Dear Abby" of Gautier Jr. High years after I was convinced of my calling. : ) The empathy I felt for others was a driving factor in my desire to help them heal; pain relief was the end goal.
And so, it's no great surprise that motherhood would also call out to my convictions to be a 'problem solver'. It's often said that mothers take on many roles within the family home: housekeeper, cook, chauffeur, decorator, tutor, nurse, teacher, therapist... (To turn a phrase) a "jack of all trades, Master of Home".
Just as we are "fearfully and wonderfully made", each home and the individuals within combine to make a unique family unit incomparable and unreplicable in its combination of individual members. Therein lies the POTENTIAL beauty of family.
Within each tribe there are roles to be filled. There is a recognized leader or head, THE man (or woman as the case may be), often accompanied by an adviser or second in command. These leading roles are complemented by the tribal council, who in cooperation make decisions to benefit the whole tribe. And then again, there are a subset of roles to be played by these same tribe members, dependent upon their unique talents and abilities; hunter/gatherer, keeper of the hearth, teachers, storekeeper, witch doctor, etc., etc.
The dynamic of each family is also unique and variable, depending on the combination of individuals at a given time: father, mother; father, mother, daughter; father, daughter, daughter; mother, daughter, daughter...
The unique elements of our family are running through my mind quite frequently these days. The choices made by each of us as individual members has produced a mixed bag of blessing and turmoil. It is this turmoil, which has been ongoing for several years now, which has brought me to this contemplation and nagging need to find knowledge and understanding tempered by wisdom.
And so it is that I've reflected on my role, in our small band of members, to better define where my responsibilities begin and end. Likewise, I'm taking a closer look at Mike's role and how we work together as a team.
Keeping in mind that life is not stagnant, so too do our roles vary with the passing of time and necessity. NOW is the present challenge for which I seek answers. As I've struggled to understand what God would have me to do, my ruminations have illuminated and brought my role for our family into sharper focus.
Mike's God given talents and his hard work have brought him to the near pinnacle of his career. Dedication, hard work and determination, along with his love of challenge, have made him a highly valued employee in his workplace as witnessed by his steadily growing ascent in the same company for almost thirty-two years now. He has set a stellar example in many ways, his work ethic being a very visible one. Mike, as many men, has a leadership role in two important areas of his life: home and work.
As 'second in command' of the large team of employees, his responsibilities loom large as he entrusts the running of a nuclear power plant to the capabilities and strengths of those charged with the operation and safety of the production of electricity. As a POTENTIALLY dangerous enterprise, wise decision making is tantamount to a productive and safe outcome. The 'buck stops' with the on-sight VP (Vice President), but as the GM (General Manager) my gifted hubby oversees day to day operations.
Unlike many women in today's world, my domain remains my home. Officially, second-in-command, I, too, function as the GM of our home. The roles which I have performed over the past thirty-three years of our marriage have each had their own unique challenges. Some of these challenges I've met with stellar performance, and some...not so much.
I vehemently proclaimed, as a teenager, that I would NEVER be a woman who "stayed at home". The relationship between my mother and father, which I perceived to be a dominant over a submissive, left no doubt in my mind that "no man will ever tell me what to do". But...the trajectory of my life landed me in a lifestyle which didn't necessitate an additional income to live modestly, yet comfortably.
Given that reality, I also wasn't willing to put my children into the care of others. Coming from a working-class family who had the blessing of a 'stay-at-home-mom' (which also meant a lower middle-class lifestyle with few extras) I couldn't justify leaving my children. IF my vision of purpose had included a useful talent outside of our home my perspective may have been different, but the highest calling I could imagine at that time was as a full-time mother to my daughters. And that despite the fact that I had very little inclination or talent for being a ‘homemaker’. “Just the basics, mam.”
Seldom are parents well-equipped for the challenges they will ultimately encounter along the journey which begins at the moment of conception. Even though unaware, a woman is experiencing changes in her body which will be revealed in due time. Then the life changes become more and more visible until the day when that precious bundle of joy makes his/her grand entrance into the world... and the lives of the blissfully ignorant parents. Thus begins a journey of many emotions: anticipation, excitement, happiness, awe, pride, laughter, tears, confusion, pride, frustration, anxiety, hope, pride, triumph, despair, pride, heartache…the feelings go on and on, repeating themselves over a lifetime.
As the make-up of the family changes, so, too, do the dynamics; first of the personal relationship between the husband and wife. Then new dynamics develop between the different combinations of the unique humans involved. Yes, even as an infant dynamics can be discerned by outside observers.
Fast forward…and NOW here I am, still challenged with both homemaking and motherhood, but with a clearer understanding of the really important things in life. It’s often been said that God doesn't reveal the future so as to help prevent our running away from what, in our human nature, we might perceive as too difficult or scary. It’s amazing what we realize, in hindsight, we have accomplished with God’s strength and wisdom.
Another reality which comes with the experience of having lived the years of our life is how our ‘concept’ and the ‘roles’ within family life can be so unlike what we might have initially expected or imagined. Thankfully, I wasn't one to day-dream about or visualize life as a wife and mother, or about the home I would one day live in. God had that covered, no need for me to waste precious energy on figuring it out. I have no doubt that I had adopted attitudes and understandings of which I wasn't fully cognizant by virtue of my own personal family experience. But I don't recall specifically defined ideas of what family life would be outside of the given requirements: a good man I loved, who really loved me, wanted children and believed in God. Simple.
I got that…and more than I would have ever imagined for my life. The ‘opposites attract’ law was noticeable before our marriage and was glaring after our marriage. But in God’s beautiful plan, this combination can produce a truly godly and exemplary relationship for those willing to stay committed through the peaks and (sometimes, really low) valleys.
A willingness to see your own imperfections and to be unselfish enough to make changes, for the ultimate good of the relationship, are inescapable for those determined to live out their vows. At times it is only commitment (which in reality is love, but often doesn't FEEL like it) that keeps a couple together. But that dogged determination is often rewarded with unexpected and beautiful gifts beyond visibility or expression. Only those involved really understand what has transpired and the blessing that has been brought.
A couple willing to stay true to their covenant before God will rarely be bored; good times and challenges abound making little time for life to be dull. But only those with God as their strength will meet their human inclinations with the love (even in the company of human emotion) that it takes to remain with their partner through the ups and downs which no human will ever escape.
Children are a gift from God…who also add the potential challenge (through no fault of their own) of displacing their father or mother in their rightful place in relationship. Entrusting us with their lives, God charges us to help teach, disciple and mold our children into the beautiful spirits for which He has given them the potential and purpose. This, with the ultimate purpose of preparing and launching them from 'the nest' to live their adult lives with purpose and joy. Children may also be a respite, of sorts, from the daily demands of adult life and a fresh slate not yet scarred by life's daily squabbles, battles, and sometimes all out wars. They are potentially more 'fun' than the mate who was once the sole object of our affection but now, battle worn, has diminished in attraction and excitement. Life has a way of doing that to veterans. Be reminded... a husband or wife is to be honored, even above our beautiful children who bring their own special joy into our lives.
The road to nurturing and growing these potentially inspirational human beings is often fraught with challenges for which parents feel ill-equipped. The answers are not always readily apparent or available and often bring about an unexpected sense of helplessness and insecurity. Setting proper and healthy boundaries presents one of the greatest areas of turmoil.
Personalities of all those involved, along with ignorance, confusion, self-doubt and divergent ideas of ‘the best’ solution, help to heighten our human emotions. It is here that we face the GREATEST NEED and PERSONAL CHALLENGE to put aside our human pride and seek the wisest answers, with little regard as to the purveyor of that wisdom. If it is God’s wisdom (which I pray I always seek), the instrument through which it comes is of lesser significance than the source itself.
It is false human pride to claim to be the root of wisdom which comes only from the Creator Himself. It is the unadulterated search and desire to find the truth which should rightfully drive our intentions. As my parents often told us, “we may not like it, but we can deal with the truth better than a lie.” When we choose to delay or be blind to Truth, we imprison our soul wasting precious time in setting ourselves free. As Franklin Delano Roosevelt (FDR), our 32 U.S. President from 1933 – 1945, stated in his first Inaugural Address, “There is nothing to fear but fear itself.” Lies and fear hinder our growth to living the best life God intends.
It is with this in mind that I consider the pursuit of ‘truth, knowledge, understanding and wisdom' the most necessary of elements to better love as God would have me to love; to be the most important pursuit and purpose of my life.
So, while I have continued to struggle with homemaking talent and organizational skills, the core of who I feel God intended for me to be has remained passionately intact. Especially in regards to the sharing of advice and wisdom (as I trust God has given) with my dearly beloved. Ask my family and their reviews of my commitment to this particular role will draw wry smiles and rolling of the eyes (from certain members of the family).
Admittedly, while the less than desirable aspects of my genetics do include stubbornness, I consider them tempered by the passionate desire for truth and wisdom. My heart and my head tell me that this passion comes from God. He’s the ultimate BIG KAHUNA where the buck REALLY stops. So, confidently I say, just call me “jack of all trades, Master of Home” ...where it really matters.
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