Uniqueness of the Journey

As an additional step to The Force I made my first post to the "totally ADD" Community Forum.  I linked to this website (www.totallyadd.com) while searching for information on ADD/HD and decided to become a member.  I was excited to find that I found this site just in time to become a "Premium Member" (free for the first two months) as a part of a Premium Beta Tester program.  The fact that this program is experimental carries added weight to the importance of my participation (along with everyone else's).  Thus I am adding daily visits to this website community as part of my commitment to The Force.
I actually had the pleasure of seeing Rick, Ava, Patrick and Dr. Jain at the National CHADD Conference in Orlando, Florida in November of 2011.  I spoke with Ava after their presentation to thank her for bringing the perspective of the NON-ADHD SPOUSE to the table.  I am often pained that my husband has to endure my challenges as I work to find my way to a less chaotic and peaceful home environment for the two of us.  He has proven his commitment and love for me throughout our (almost) 33 years of marriage although there has been (especially in the past several years) suffering and a major challenge to his patience along the way.
When I find victory it will be as much to his credit as much as it is to mine.  Thank you, Sweetheart.

So without further ado...

UNIQUENESS of the JOURNEY ~

In keeping with my New Commitment (yes, ANOTHER one, but one I'm DETERMINED to keep!) I'd like to share a few insights from my personal journey.  I hope that what I have to share may be helpful in calming your heart and mind while giving you peace and confidence about this very personal experience.

 

1.  REMIND YOURSELF regularly that each INDIVIDUAL is UNIQUE.  While we are blessed to have one another to    share this journey, please remember that we MUST NOT COMPARE ourselves to anyone else in terms of 'SHOULD'.   Each LIFE is also UNIQUE, influenced by different factors that combine to present our PERSONAL CHALLENGES.   

 While we belong to the same "Family", no two experiences are exactly the same. 

 Just as I deal with one daughter in a way unique to her personality and needs it's necessary for me to interact with my youngest daughter in a very different way.  UNIQUE TEMPERAMENTS, STRENGTHS & WEAKNESSES make for a unique EXPERIENCE.    

2.  While WE as a COMMUNITY are attempting to JOURNEY to the SAME "COUNTRY", our DESTINATIONS WITHIN that country may be VARIED. 

 As unique as each of us, so will our FINAL DESTINATION often be.  We can travel a good portion of this journey together but there may come a time when a particular TRAVELING COMPANION may say "good-bye" as they take a new direction.

 This doesn't mean the relationship had ended, it just means that our journey with that particular person has changed

3.  GET TO KNOW YOURSELF by being as SELF-AWARE as possible.  Take note (literally if necessary) when you have a new insight into yourself and the way you "work".

4.  TRUST YOU PERSONAL INSTINCT about whether a particular method is the right one for you.  I had a Life Coach many years ago who encouraged me (in so many words) not to try to force myself to be something that I'm not. 

There are many things that I would love to have the talent for, but...you can't force a square into a round hole.

5.  RECOGNIZE, EMBRACE and REMIND YOURSELF of your STRENGTHS while working to overcome your weaknesses.

6.   ACCEPT the FACT that YOU and ONLY YOU can make the changes necessary to CREATE the life you long to have. 

And as I end, please allow me to remind all of us that this can be a lengthy journey.  The road is often a winding one on which we meet success, delays and sometimes major roadblocks. 

But I sincerely believe that as a whole, we are a community of people who have so much to offer our world during out life time.  With the gifts and talents that I'm convinced we have, our ONLY FAILURE is to ABANDON the JOURNEY. 

My belief is that I owe it to MYSELF, my loved ones and my world to give my best shot at living up to my God-given potential. 

If you have taken the time to read my words then you have some desire to "find your way" and are taking steps to help yourself.  BELIEVE IN YOURSELF and NEVER GIVE UP! 

As my dear Dad always reminded us, "Can't never could do nothing!"  You CAN do it!!!

Forcing the Issue

force

  [fawrs, fohrs] noun, verb, forced, forc·ing.

noun

1.

physical power or strength possessed by a living being: He used 

all his force in opening the window.

2.

strength or power exerted upon an object; physical coercion;

violence: to use force to open the window; to use force on a person.

3.

strength; energy; power; intensity: a personality of great force.

4.

power to influence, affect, or control; efficacious power: the force of circumstances; a force for law and order.

verb (used with object)

18.

to compel, constrain, or oblige (oneself or someone) to do

something: to force a suspect to confess.

19.

to drive or propel against resistance: He forced his way through 

the crowd. They forced air into his lungs.

20.

to bring about or effect by force.

21.

to bring about of necessity or as a necessary result: to force a 

smile.

22.

to put or impose (something or someone) forcibly on or upon a 

person: to force one's opinions on others.

Believe it or not, I chose to start with scrambled eggs.  Granted, it wasn't quite as challenging as some of the above definitions might imply, but it most definitely was a force of my will.  

Typically, beginning my day with careful consideration of what I put in my mouth to 'break the fast' isn't something that I give much thought to.  But it's time to use force to bring about the life changes that seem to elude me.  

I anticipate that forcing myself to think about my choices throughout the day will be exhausting.  Exhausting only because the choices I need to make are so different from my daily habits.  

But being that my brain , ADHD as it is, is the logical place to start...surely a healthy  dose of protein is the right way to begin.  I even threw in vitamins (for perimenopausal Women) for good measure.  As a wise and trusted Nutritionist and friend advised me, "Feed the Brain!".  

And so, The Force begins.  One day, one moment at a time.   

The Shift

"From head to heart"; then, and only then, truthful and clear understanding comes and the pursuit for true change can begin.
Those of us who pursue maturity and truthful self-examination will admit to that, more often than not, we know the most tested and true answers to overcoming personal challenges.  We know the habits and attitudes we should embrace to live the quality of life most befitting children of God.  But knowing does not always translate into sincere understanding or, more importantly, doing.
Why the disconnect?  Most assuredly the easy answer is, "Because we're human."  But simplicity ends there.  We are 'fearfully and wonderfully made' which encompasses not only our physical body, but the mental and spiritual aspects of our being.  Complicating the answer to my question is the looming reality of 'free will'; 'choice' given to us by God.
There was a time in my young mind that I believed God was responsible for everything that happened, from the rising to the setting of the sun and everything in between.  He's the Creator of all things...isn't He?  He controls all.
Throughout the years and my ongoing journey with my Creator, through good times and bad, I've come to a deeper understanding of His plan for His people and some of the methods He employs to get our attention.  Just as there is a time that we, as parents, allow an 'age of innocence' for our children (this period unique for each individual child), I'm now of the experience and belief that God, too, acts thus as our heavenly Father.  Knowing each of His children intimately, He understands our capacity and readiness for fuller truths and accountability.   In my attempt to better understand the mind of God, two of my favorite scripture passages bolster my personal life experience.  These two specific verses (with a few bonus passages thrown in) instruct and encourage, but also forewarn.

** 1 Corinthians 10:13  No temptation has overtaken you that is unusual for human beings. But God is faithful, and he will not allow you to be tempted beyond your  strength. ...

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**Hosea 4:6  my people are destroyed from lack of knowledge.

Clarke's Commentary on the Bible

My people are destroyed for lack of knowledge - They have not the knowledge of God, nor of sacred things, nor of their own interest, nor of the danger to which they are exposed. They walk on blindly, and perish.

Because thou hast rejected knowledge - So they might have become wise, had they not rejected the means of improvement. ...

**Proverbs 5:23   He will die for lack of discipline, led astray by his own great folly.

**Job 36:12   But if they do not listen, they will perish by the sword and die without knowledge.

**Proverbs 1:31   they will eat the fruit of their ways and be filled with the fruit of their schemes.

**Proverbs 10:21   The lips of the righteous nourish many, but fools die for lack of judgment.

 Prayer and study, along with life experience, have helped to validate my conclusions...for the time being.  One of the many difficulties of being "human" is the undeniable truth that 'change' (and taxes!) is inescapable.  If we have the blessing of another day of life...never say 'never'.  Each day brings new opportunities to learn, regardless of our age.  It's amazing to discover just exactly how much we don't know that which we don't know. (That's a tricky one but it'll come to you).

The point of this composition is to flesh out on paper the truth that a 'shift' has occurred   What my head once knew has now found it's way into the depths of my heart.  As much as I would like to beg the 'innocence' of my childhood (and a good part of my adulthood), the key has been turned; the truth of the matter has become more than mere consciousness.  It is now a Big 'T' Truth, a vivid reality. Not only does this knowledge demand new accountability but the well documented consequences, which I have observed in the lives of many others, have now taken on a new strength in reality.  Should I choose to plead ignorance in hopes of escaping responsibility for my personal well-being, or as Clark's Commentary aptly describes it, "my own interest", I have no one or thing to blame.  The 'shift' does cause momentary imbalance but God has provided the answers to lead me back to the life of balance which He has always intended.

Change is rarely easy and often even painstaking.  But, I've lived through change before, both unexpected and self-imposed.  Now the ball is in my court, the decision is mine.  Now that my heart knows, self-destruction is no longer due to ignorance but must be considered a willful act on my part.  It's a harsh reality but one I can no longer deny.    

The 'Click'

Something has changed.  You know, the proverbial "click".
I'm of the firm belief that it's rarely just one incident that brings on this clearing of the mind but rather a culmination of many less sensory 'clicks' that culminate in the one larger "Ah ha" moment.
Father announced at mass yesterday morning that Joan ____ had died (I didn't understand the last name), and I eventually found it to be a woman with whom I was acquainted.  Many years ago, Joan and I had the shared experience of being "Pink Ladies", volunteering at our local hospital.  I later recognized her as we attended mass at our small Catholic Church.  Several years my senior with a more reserved personality (toward me at the very least), it wasn't too surprising that our lives rarely intersected other than a friendly "hello" on a Sunday morning.
But this past February, as I was getting preregistered for my gallbladder surgery, I found Joan doing the same exact thing.  She too would be going in to have her gallbladder removed around the same time as my scheduled surgery!  Always a friendly conversation, on the few occasions that we did encounter one another, we spoke of what brought us to the necessity of this procedure.  I promised my prayers for the success of her's and asked that she pray for me, too.  It was a pleasant meeting and a touch of connectedness to know that I wouldn't be entirely alone on this surgery floor the next day.
I encountered Joan and her husband on a couple of occasions in the following months to find that she had a bit of trouble after her surgery but, once again, promised my prayers as we carried on with our different worlds.
The news of her death was unexpected (no great surprise since our lives rarely intersected) and brought  sadness.  The fact that we didn't know each other very well was trumped by the fact that this was a person with whom I had shared just a hand full of small, but meaningful, life experiences.  The human condition is a challenging one but always made easier by traveling companions.  Joan had touched my life on only a few occasions, but the connection, and not the length of time, was what was most important.
And so it is that the death of this fellow human being brought about, what I believe to be, the culmination of this sensory 'click' felt in my soul.  "Life is short."  I've repeated this same little cliche more times than I can even begin to imagine, but the death of this fellow 'earth-mate' brought this reality from head to heart in a sobering moment; the "click".
It's not just a cliche.  At this point in my earthly journey, with the blessing of 54 years, many beautiful experiences and my share of heartaches under my belt,  this reality rings true in my soul with a sensation reserved for only the most meaningful of revelations.
The CLICK has turned something on deep within me; an illumination to guide me.  A guide to new appreciation? new understanding? new opportunity? new courage?  I suspect it's a combination of all of these gifts to lead me toward the fuller life for which God has always intended for me.  Waiting and watching patiently He's now aware that I've 'clicked' the switch.  I feel confident that new treasures await my heart and mind.
Death truly does bring new life, in more ways than one.

My Main Man

 Companions for our journey are many.  There are those who brush by barely noticeable but, unbeknownst to our consciousness, purposeful all the same.  And those who come and stay, but only for a time.  There are even those who come and go, the timing erratic, left to God's wisdom.  One of the more joyful blessings, which not all (unfortunately, in my estimation) are blessed to have, fall into the category of 'life-long' friends.

For many of us there is the blessing of a life partner and, maybe, children.  But even children fall into a category outside of "my main man".
Husband; Life Partner; Significant Other...monikers which denote an exceptional role which no other has been given the privilege(?) in my personal life.  Complex beyond my other relationships and often, throughout the scope of it's duration, transitional.  And yet, the most important, and potentially formational (outside of the primary role given to my mother and father) in my life.  Intrinsically unique, due to the individuality of my lover and me, our partnership is beyond duplication.  No other formula is capable of producing the same outcome in terms of life experience, quality of life, joy, heartache and, even more amazingly, children born of this union.  Competition and comparisons are misguided as each couple, a one-of-a-kind combination, is beyond exact replication.  No other partnership is capable of producing the same exact BEAUTY...or DESTRUCTION.  

Likewise, as beauty is one by-product of successful relationships there is another side to the same coin.  Depending on the commitment and effort of those involved, the ugliness wrought by a relationship untended and uncultivated is capable of reflecting turmoil, disharmony and destruction.  Without a doubt, unintended by the Creator's original blueprint, the 'flip side' of life-giving beauty is a reality for many unwilling* to do the upkeep necessary for all living and growing things. 


Sadly, thievery, often unintended, becomes part and parcel of relationship failure.  The spirit and soul, created within each individual by God, becomes a casualty of a neglected relationship.  Without nourishment, our spirit becomes withered and merely a shadow of our once vibrant and life-filled reflection.  To be certain, the responsibility and care of our spirit and soul is, first and foremost, our own.  This being said, my personal understanding of intimate relationship, especially those who have taken a sacred vow, speaks to the desire to have a "help-mate" with whom to journey this earth to the end of days.    


When a couple puts in the hard work to really know and understand the heart and soul of the person for whom they have vowed their love, the rewards are exponential.  The beauty wrought, from being loved in such a way, extends far beyond their union.  The loved one reflects the inner beauty of acceptance, appreciation, and value, becoming a true gift to all those they meet.  Knowing and being loved creates a ripple effect touching individuals who then carry that love throughout our world.  Children, family, friends and acquaintances become recipients and, in turn, purveyors of the grace which love exudes.  The sound I hear in my head as I imagine this beauty is Louis Armstrong's "What a Wonderful World".  (Check out the soundtrack for the movie Meet Joe Black for a secondarily favorite version).    


My brother tells me, "There is no greater love than to lay down one's life for one's friends." (NIV)


What is it that they say?  If I recall correctly..."The best marriage relationships begin as friendships."   



*Sadly, on a more complex and deeper level, there are those partners who are possibly incapable or unable to do the optimal work needed for a flourishing relationship. A subject best left for a blog post all it's own. 
   

Salve for My Soul

The 'titles' start pouring in.  "The Difficulty in Life...", "Snapshot", "One Moment in Time" and on and on.   Then the composition begins; not on paper, but in my head.  It's a sure sign of inner turmoil and a search for answers to give peace to my soul.  No need to attempt distraction because my drive for healing is akin to life preservation.  Peace won't come until I've spilled my pain onto the written page.
I have no doubt that, somehow, the answer will find itself through the expression of all my jumbled thoughts screaming for release.

With each stroke of the keyboard relief begins to come.  In the most negative of images that run through my head I see an addict, banded arm, eyes closed, head back with a look of relief as the drug makes it's way through his veins.  I search for a more wholesome image but can't seem to bring it to consciousness.  Another indicator of my desperation.

There are other personal actions that I know myself well enough to anticipate.  The foundations of which begins with, "No". "No" to external requests from both family and friends.  My helpfulness, which I consider the reason for my being, falls prey to my need for self-preservation, survival.  Without this healing salve moving forward seems improbable.  It's like releasing the infection from an abscess, the release bringing relief; a lightening of the weight on my heart.  Maybe things will be okay after all.
The fog begins to lift, but I know that it's a process.  Yes, the feeling of relief is immediate but healing takes time. 

So, I'm thankful that my soul will find peace; I have no doubt because I am a child of God.  And like all of His children, I am unique with different abilities, talents and needs.  I am complete just as I am and my Father knows this. It is I who is unaware of the full beauty and completeness that lies within.  He walks along-side me as I find my way, searching the depths of my being for the answers which He knows are already there.  He loves me and desires joy for my soul.  And so He guides me, once more, to pen and paper (or more accurately, keyboard and monitor).  : )